Four

Today marks four years since the day my sweet mother in law passed away. The years have felt long... it seems as though it has been a lifetime since we last saw her, since we last heard her voice. But then again, the events of this day, four years ago, are crystal clear, as though they happened just moments ago.

This day four years ago was by far the most horrible day of both Bruce and my life. It was the day that we were forced to grow up, without being ready to do so. We were suddenly faced with grown up tasks... even more grown up than paying a mortgage or caring for our children. I was writing an obituary and Bruce was arranging a funeral. Bruce was trying to hold it all together and be strong for his family. I was figuring out how I was going to feed my 10 month old baby who still nursed exclusively, because the stress and shock had dried up my milk. We were explaining to our 3 year old why we weren't at Disneyland after all, and trying to help her understand why Grandma wasn't around and why everyone could not stop crying. I had to explain that wishing and praying wouldn't bring her back... that all we could ask for was peace and understanding.

And you know what? Being a grown up sucks! For the first 5 years of our marriage, we had just been playing house. Now, we were truly grown ups, facing very grown up things and feeling completely unprepared to handle them.

But we are surviving.

We still break down. The tears don't come as often, but when they do come, they are just as painful as four years ago today. Not even two weeks ago, as Bruce and I put the finishing touches on Man Cub's birthday video, we experienced a break down. It hit us hard that Man Cub had never met his sweet Grandma... at least not in this life. He had never been cuddled by her. He had never felt her kisses on the top of his head. He had never heard the sound of his name from her lips. And oh how she would have adored him!

Four years ago today, our lives fell apart in a big way. We have spent the last four years picking up the pieces and trying to put them back together again. The thing is, our lives will never be the same. But slowly and surely, we are finding a new normal. That normal includes pausing in the hallway to look longingly at the photos of Grandma that hang on the wall. It includes snuggling under the precious quilt made of scraps of her clothing that my father in law gave us for Christmas last year... easily one of the most amazing gifts I have ever received. Our new normal includes sweet conversations with a handful of special people who knew and loved Becky as we do, sharing memories and stories that will be treasured for a lifetime.

For most of the people who knew Becky, today is nothing special. They have already forgotten the significance of October 5th. But for us, it is most certainly a day of heartache. And with that heartache comes the chance to recommit ourselves to living righteous lives that will allow us to be with her forever. Four years without her has been long enough... I will do everything I can to be sure we are worthy to be with her for eternity.